To Be Myself Completely

So lately, no news. Nothing! Hmmm I'm still kind of confused, but oh well, things are good.

I really don't know how I feel about my exchange. Most outbounds I've talked to are a little nervous, but mostly just extremely extremely excited. But... I'm... really REALLY nervous. I tear up just thinking about leaving! I know it will be great, know it will be the most amazing experience ever, blah blah blah, and I am excited, somewhere in there... But mostly just anxious and afraid.

Yea. I really, really, don't even know. It seems like before all of this exchange business came into my life, I lived simply and peacefully and happily. But I honestly have never felt feelings like these before (at least such strong feelings). My head spins and my stomach churns, and I'm going to Argentina for eleven months is always twirling around in the back of my mind.

A few months ago, I probably thought about my exchange once or twice a day- a fleeting thought. It was an exciting, adventurous thought that sent a jolt of adrenaline up my spine. But now I feel all shivery when I think about it... Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way.


I think Belle & Sebastian's "To Be Myself Completely" sums it all up pretty nicely:

Well my heart has fallen down
Thought I'd talked myself around
But to be myself completely I've just got to let you down

Well I knew I'd say goodbye
Though it's not my time to cry
And forever and for no one I will let it all go by
And to be myself completely I've just got to say goodbye [...]

Still your voice calls out to me
Escort me to the harmony
I'm not sure what I will be
Find me in a bittersweet hello [...]

Though we say goodbye and wonder
What's to know and who's to blame
But to be myself completely I will love you just the same


And Neutral Milk Hotel's "Aeroplane Over the Sea":

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye and be gone from me
Soft and sweet
Let me hold it close and keep it here with me

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me

What a curious life we have found here tonight
There is music that sounds from the street
There are lights in the clouds [...]

And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all